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SOOTHE Group
Supporting Ourselves and Others Through Healing and Empowerment
Week 8.3
Estimated time to complete 8.3: 15-25 mins
Differences between shame and guilt
Here, we introduce another emotion which is often confused with shame: guilt. .
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What is guilt?
Guilt is another self-conscious emotion related to our desire to care. Guilt often arises when our intention is to be helpful and not harmful, but we end up being harmful.
Guilt is often accompanied by a sense of sadness, sorrow and remorse for what we have done.
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We do not attack ourselves (like in internal shame) and we do not focus on what others might think of us (like in external shame). Rather, we feel a sense of responsibility to fix what we have done. Therefore, the focus is different: with shame, we focus on the self (“What is wrong with me?”), but with guilt, we focus on repairing the impact on the other person (“How can I fix this?”).
Guilt is not a bad emotion. Guilt can be helpful as it allows us to feel empathy and a desire to repair, both of which are crucial for our ability to be compassionate.
See below some examples which illustrate the difference between how we experience shame and how we experience guilt.
Shame
(self-attacking arises)
"I am wrong"
"I am bad"
"I did something wrong"
"I did something bad"
Guilt
(desire to repair arises)
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As human beings, we have probably all done something that is harmful in some way. If we continue to shame ourselves we will only feel bad about ourself and that is not the best way to motivate a person to improve and grow.
When we stop shaming ourselves (self-attacking, being self-critical), we are much more able to feel a sense of responsibility and the sadness of guilt.
Being able to tolerate our sadness without being self-critical is very helpful to learn.
By taking a more compassionate stance, we can shift from self-critical shaming to repairing guilt.
Cindy and Bob - who is experiencing shame and who is experiencing guilt?
Imagine this scenario: Two people, which we will call Cindy and Bob, are both invited to the same wedding of a close friend and they both walk in late; half-way through the ceremony. Their friend, Anna (the bride), is upset by their actions.
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"Oh no, people will not like me now and Anna won't want to be my friend anymore. I'm so rude and careless!"
"I feel so bad and sorry about this! I should make it up to Anna"
Bob
Cindy
Reflect...
Who is experiencing shame (internal shame, external shame, or both?) and who is experiencing guilt? And why?
Enter your response in your Reflective Journal and paste it below if you'd like your facilitators to see.
After you've had a go at answering, click on the button below to reveal the answer and an explanation.
If you want more practice on the self-conscious emotions
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If you'd like to reflect more on the self-conscious emotions (external shame, internal shame, humiliation, and guilt), have a go at the handout: Distinguishing self-conscious emotions.
Here, you'll be given different situations to reflect on, and invited to share some of your own feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, that might go with each self-conscious emotion.
You'll also be invited to think about how your Compassionate Self might help you. However, we'll be focusing more on this part in Module 8.4, so you might prefer to come back to it then.
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