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SOOTHE Group
Supporting Ourselves and Others Through Healing and Empowerment
Week 8.2
Estimated time to complete 8.2: 15-25 mins
Distinguishing between external shame, internal shame, and humiliation
External shame
Reflect...
Imagine you are at the check-out counter. The cashier says, "I'm sorry your card was declined."
You check your bank account and realise you haven't been paid yet, and you don't have enough money to make your purchase.
How do you feel?
Enter your response in your Reflective Journal and paste it below if you'd like your facilitators to see.
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In external shame, the key fear is having a sense that we exist in the mind of other people as negative or inferior. Our attention is on what the other people are thinking and feeling, and what they might want us to do (e.g., avoid, attack, reject).
Take a look at how external shame might come up in the example above about the card declining.
"This is embarrassing"
"People must think I have no money"
"They're judging me"
"I look irresponsible"
Internal shame
In internal shame, the key fear is that we will reveal ourselves as truly negative, inferior, or bad. Our attention is focused inwards, on ourselves, and what we feel and think about ourselves. Internal shame is closely linked with self-criticism. The primary emotions associated with internal shame are anxiety, disgust, and a "heart-sinking" sensation.
Earlier we looked at how external shame might show up around our card declining in a store due to insufficient funds. Let's use the same example, but see how internal shame might show up.
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Recap of scenario:
Imagine you are at the check-out counter. The cashier says, "I'm sorry your card was declined."
You check your bank account and realise you don't have enough money to pay.
"I can't manage my life"
"I am an embarrassment"
"I am careless with money"
"I am irresponsible"
Humiliation
There is another emotion that we can experience when people criticise or treat us badly. Suppose someone put you down unfairly; what emotion might arise?
For some, this can show up as humiliation.
When we experience humiliation and the anger of humiliation, our attention is on the mind of the other person, but our feelings are not ones of anxiety or wanting to appease or hide away (like we might in external shame), but rather, a desire to attack.
Let's use the same example of the card declining, with a slight adjustment, and see how humiliation might show up.
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Scenario:
Imagine you are at the check-out counter. The cashier says, "I'm sorry your card was declined."
You check your bank account and realise you don't have enough money to pay. The person paying next to you laughs and says under their breath, "Seriously, how embarrassing. Maybe go find a job."
"How dare they!"
"Who do they think they are!"
"What gives them the right to say this"
"I'm going to say something back to them!"
Is it external shame, internal shame, or humiliation?
The below activity invites you to think about different examples and whether they reflect external shame, internal shame, or humiliation.
Each circle has a different quote. After reading the quote, enter your responses (either external shame, internal shame, or humiliation) in your Reflective Journal and paste them below if you'd like.
Then, click on the circle to reveal the answer and why.
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Internal shame and the undesired self
Internal shame is strongly linked to what we can call, the undesired self: the part of us that we feel could be formed from the combination of all the traits and characteristics that we believe are wrong, shameful, or should be avoided at all costs (e.g., "I'm dumb," "I am bad" etc).
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Internal shame emerges when we feel we are getting closer to the undesired self and further away from the actual self.
This can create a constant tension between the undesired self and the ideal self.
UNDESIRED SELF
ACTUAL SELF
IDEAL SELF
Disappointment gap
Disappointment gap
Have a go at the handout: Undesired, Actual, and Ideal Self.
Here, you'll be shown some commonly reported characteristics of the Undesired, Actual, and Ideal self. You'll be invited to reflect on some of your own characteristics that you would attribute to each of these selves, as well as how your Compassionate Self could help you.
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